Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.