She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Friday night party time 🥳
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.