[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Meeeee too!
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”