My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Introverted vegans go meetless
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again