the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Clients after you give them your rates
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Sharon I have some bad news
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Thinking about Jeff
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky