My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
How does one answer this?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…