So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”