Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong