Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.