When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
You Might Also Like
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
BETRAYAL