Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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tinder is all about the long game
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*