Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I’m literally crying
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.