Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?