me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.