Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
You Might Also Like
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Respect
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??