GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza