*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The first matador
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?