I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
…u ok Nintendo?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.