Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!