“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet