. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
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The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
North and South
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so