The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
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We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Stick it to the man
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.