Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith