I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat