ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans