#dnd #ttrpg
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Chemical wingman
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?