(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.