“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.