when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.