Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Lmao 🤣