Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*