The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget