The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?