Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
#Caturday
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.