My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
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It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence