Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?