her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.