2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I cannot call her anything else now
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*