It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.