She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?