An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently