next question.
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
what could possibly go wrong?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
definitely did not do anything wrong
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]