whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Haha! 😂
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I was up all night reading about insomnia
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.