In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
We found love in a hopeless place.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.