A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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Easy enough.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Seek kebab; not attention
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.