Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
🌱🌱🌱
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“no gods no masters” = leo
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.