[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”