Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?