Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday