Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
You Might Also Like
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Being married means never having to say you鈥檙e angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese鈥檚 Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Me: it鈥檚 cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can鈥檛 see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I鈥檒l fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here鈥檚 a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I鈥檓 gonna need you to hunch over.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren鈥檛 paid for or some kind of scam
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
You: I鈥檓 so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I can鈥檛 believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
doctor鈥檚 receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Thinking outside the box.. 馃槄
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.